Putting it all together

I broke up with my boyfriend, my step grandmother ended up with heart complications and had to be rushed to the hospital...In short order I let these two things derail me. Today I feel tired, dizzy, I have a headache and I was sipping on a coffee drink loaded with sugar, when It really hit me. I am addicted to sugar just as sure as alcholics are addicted to alcohol.
I have this need to feel loved and needed and sometimes I let it completely get in the way of my life. I put others before myself. I really dislike myself and I can't fathom why.
I've never been able to figure out why I eat so often and so much. I have figured it out I think. My depression leads me directly to it. I get so down sometimes and food gives me that instant happiness that I crave. The food that makes me the most happy is sugary foods. I will turn to them every single time. It never stops at just one. After eating I always feel so bad about myself and then the depression starts all over again. Sometimes I feel so deep and so bottomless. I need to take myself serious and fix this pattern. I need to:

1. Stop eating or purchasing anything containing high amounts of sugar
2. I need to see a doctor about the depression
3. I need to find an alternative to food when I need an instant high. ( I have no idea what)

168.4

so I guess you can say I did okay this past week. I lost another 2 lbs. I wish it had been more and I know that's a ridiculous way to look at it so I'll try not to. Today is one of those days where I just want to binge eat. I can't figure out why. I have a slight headache, I'm dreading the gym, I feel just sort of numb. So there isn't really emotion involved...atleast i don't think so. But now that I think about it...I am stressing money today...Maybe that has something to do with it? I'm feeling a little lonely inside but for no real reason. If I had to guess I'd say I am feeling a void here or I'm self medicating my loneliness. Who can really say?

170.4

Yes! I am negative 3.4 this week. What I am doing is actually working? who'd have thunk it? Not I! Very excited to blow out of the 170's and demolish the 160's and tell them adios. This morning's weigh in has me so incredibly happy. I am close to finding me again.
i survived a lot of temptations and some not completely. My boyfriend works at two restarurants and brought me home food two nights in a row. It's very frustrating when someone that is supposed to be supporting you is not. I got through it. I took a few bites of both but said no to the whole dish. I think food calls to me in the way that alcohol calls to an alcoholic. Sometimes it's all consuming. If I see something that smells, looks, sounds good I can not seem to get it off my mind until I have tasted it. This started for me when I was in foster care at the age of eleven. I was constantly being made fun of by the foster grandmother. She would call my stomache pudgy. She would laugh at me and crack jokes if I asked for seconds. This was all coming from a lady that 4 years ago died from extreme obesity. She weighed a good 450 lbs. I don't know why I latched onto what she was saying so tightly but I deffinately did. Before foster care i didn't get enough to eat at all. I had just come from my mother's house where food was very scarce. We'd fight over the food like scavengers. It was never healthy food either. Macaroni, rice-a-roni, a big bag of check mix. I remember the chex mix because in the last week of living with my mother she had that big bag of check mix left over from her 4th of July partying. She hid it in her room. A few days later she took off. That would be the last day I lived with my mother as a child. When she left the house there was no running water, no electricity, and only that bag of chex mix to feed 3 kids. I can remember how devestated I was when my little brother spilt the bag onto the floor. Three days later when we had no food and my mother had not come back, I can remember eating that chex mix off the floor like it was the best meal ever. could this be where some of my problems come from?

Tomorrow morning I'll be doing my weigh in. I have a very good feeling about it.

Some things that I have eaten (homemade0 this week are:

tomato and turkey paninis
Homemade Chicken nuggets
Sauteed mushrooms,onions, broccoli, and squash with a splash of soy sauce

Next week I want to make a panini with sauteed mushrooms, onion, and turkey bacon. I"m thinking that will be pretty good.

My week started off pretty bad. I felt like I was detoxing from food. I had a headache for three days straight, was a bit jittery, and was also feeling dizzy. And no I was not hungover :) I am wondering if it is the food or from the caffeine I am no longer drinking. Either way, around day 4 my mind started to clear, my headache was gone and I had a ton of energy. I haven't felt this good in a while. I have gone to the gym 4 times this week, which is pretty good for a lazy butt like me, because I had only planned on going 3 times. It just felt like every time I went my depression was lifting a little more, so in a way I just wanted to keep going because I liked feeling better. I'm going to continue going not only because I will lose weight faster but because it makes me feel good when I go. I can't wait to step on the scale tomorrow and 'publish' my results.

173.8 and lovely Shingles

Wow it's getting pretty sad here. I've drawn the curtains, turned off the lights and am now giving my once slim body a moment of silence, for that time and body is no more. I stepped onto the scale and was not so shocked to see my weight had climbed to 173.8 lbs. Ok I can handle this! I want to lose 3.8 lbs this week so I'm going to shoot for 170 lbs next Monday morning. Off to School and work for me. Did I mention I woke up with lovely sexy looking shingles on my lower shoulder? I doubt I'll be kept at work long! So an expensive doctor trip is in the forseable future. Thought I'd share with you folks what these fantastic pus filled things really look like, though in the picture you can not see the pain these little guys cause.

so here it goes. The very first one. The sink or swim of blogging. This would be the post where I lay it all out there and all that jazz. Lets just be honest here. The first post is the hardest. It's that moment when you try to sell yourself to an audience. Well I'm no salesman so I guess I'm just going to tell it how it is and not care about whether anyone's listening, though let's be honest, everyone wants to have an audience every now and then. So here we go then. I'm a mother to a four year old snot nosed pixy named Kelcy. She lights up my world but at times...she also drains my patience, such is love my friends! I'm 26 and have personal struggles not unlike many others. ( I just like to complain more) I grew up in many different foster homes. I was always trying to make everyone around me care about me. I craved love like I now crave chocolate. (that's a lot!) I grew up graduated went into the military, got out of the military, had a baby and packed on some pounds. And here lies the reason for this blog. I want to lose the extra 40 lbs I have just hanging around like an unwanted Inlaw. It has so overstayed its welcome! I did a weight loss program 1 1/2 years ago and was able to get down to 140 lbs but when I found myself at my skinniest/happiest I somehow managed to sabbatoge myself. So this time I'm going to do it differently. I'm going to try and deal with those little mean spirited thoughts and actions that I encounter inside this cranium of mine. I'm going to eat fruits, veggies and less junk. tomorrow morning I'll weigh myself, though I'd really rather not, and posted it on here. From there I'll just moniter my thoughts and feelings. But I'm also going to use this little do hickey to self analyze my thoughts and emotions. Hey I've taken enough psych classes why the hell not? So here I am in all my glory. Brace yourself folks!